Note from Angie:
Although I do not write erotica, I have many author friends that do. Author Emma Payne (Room 237 Series) wrote an incredible post in response to the 50 Shades of Grey trailer and I asked her if I could share it on my website. I think what she says here is absolutely right and every woman that thinks she wants what Ana has with Christian should definitely read this. As you who have read False Security know, the book is about abuse and I did a lot of gut-wrenching research for the book. In 50 Shades of Grey, Christian tells Ana “You. Are. Mine.” Rachel’s abuser in False Security tells her “You are mine” all the time and beats it into her head that she belongs to him. Christian Grey’s actions are abusive / possessive in just about everything he does. He is not someone you want to fantasize about. So please read this post by Emma Payne, an author who knows a thing or two about BDSM (as she says), and think twice before you go see 50 Shades of Grey on 2-14-15.
I just watched the 50 Shades of Grey trailer, and it sparked something in me that made me have to write this right now before I lose all my thoughts in the hurricane of anger, disgust, and concern that currently brews in my mind.
Before I start, I must properly introduce myself. My name is Emma Payne and I am an erotica writer. I write contemporary romance and BDSM. I try to portray BDSM in a realistic light, and in my Room 237 Series, my main character dabbles in it for the first time. I think I’m one of the few authors out there who has had a character use their safe word. I also should let you know that I am a sub, so I know a thing or two about what I’m about to say. I live and breathe the world of BDSM with my boyfriend –my Master– and I’ve been in it for a few years now.
Back to 50 Shades. The movie is being released on February 14, 2015 (Valentine’s Day, of all days) and I believe that if people living in my world don’t speak up, there will be a lot of women calling in sick to work on Monday the 16th with a sore bottom, red faces, and ashamed souls. They want to try out this unique, sexy world and they will drag their boyfriends/husbands/flings to the movie that weekend just so they can have them spank and flog and try things that they’ve never done before.
They have no idea what they are getting themselves into.
What bothers me most about the book is that it is not an accurate portrayal of BDSM. While people always do things a little different, this isn’t what that world is like. It’s not even close. The book portrays more of a slave mentality, with an abusive Dom who uses women rather than understands the fundamentals of BDSM. So I’m going to explain them to you before you decide you want to try out this lifestyle for yourself.
1. Christian Grey tells Ana Steele what to do – in every aspect. He is an abusive man who wants to mold Ana into what he wants her to be, and that means controlling everything she does. This is not what BDSM is about.
My Master does not tell me what to do all the time. He doesn’t tell me what to eat, how much sleep I must get, how much I must exercise, and whether or not I can bite my lip. He also does not tell me what to wear (outside the bedroom, that is). Although he is now jokingly telling me not to bite my lip as I write this and not to frown so hard so I don’t get wrinkles.
My Master loves me for who I am. He doesn’t try to change me into something else he wants. He knows that as I grow older, my body will change. He knows it will be harder for me to work out. He knows our sex life may change, too, and he doesn’t care. It’s me he wants, not some trumped up version of me.
2. Christian Grey tells Ana that he hurts women for his own pleasure. He is an abusive man who likes to hurt women without thought of anything else. This is not what BDSM is about.
BDSM play is for MY pleasure, sometimes even more than my Master’s. He wants to please me, and by submitting to him, I am pleased. Our play is harder on him than it is me, because he is in the very difficult position of taking care not only of his own needs, but mine as well. That’s not just my sexual needs, but my emotional needs, my psychological needs, and my physical needs. If things get a little rough, he has to know when to stop. He has to care for me physically after we play. He has to make sure my mind is strong and that he’s giving me plenty of love before, during, and after play. Even when he denies me release, he makes sure that I’m satisfied. It’s so easy for me to submit to him. It’s much harder for him to dominate me.
3. Christian Grey tells Ana that he’s been “like this” for a long time. He is an abusive man who blames his abusive nature on his past and takes it out on women during sex. This is not what BDSM is about.
My Master and I do not have these crazy, messed-up pasts that “made” us this way. We entered into the world of BDSM after we had dated for a couple years. We both wanted something new, something different, and we wanted to take our sex lives to the next level. We had complete trust in each other when we started and we both were very willing.
4. Christian Grey buys Ana lots of “lavish” material goods as part of their contract. He is an abusive man who gives her gifts to keep her happy so he can hurt her for his pleasure. This is not what BDSM is about.
My Master is not rich. He is not a billionaire. He does buy me things, but as part of our boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, not because I engage in BDSM play with him. He bought me things before we started down the BDSM path. If I told him tomorrow I wanted to stop the play, he would still love me and he would still buy me things to show his affection for me.
5. Christian Grey takes Ana’s virginity because he wants her to sign a contract. He is an abusive man who takes advantage of her because it is a “means to an end” (in his words). In other words, if he takes her virginity, he can then hurt her for his own pleasure. This is not what BDSM is about.
My Master did not make love to me for two years prior to us entering this lifestyle so he could eventually hurt me for his own pleasure. He made love to me for two years prior to us participating in BDSM play because he loves me. He still makes love to me. Just because we play doesn’t mean we don’t still make love without any of those other things from time to time (what people call “vanilla” sex). And every time we play, he still shows me how much he loves me.
If you’ve read all of this and you’re still interested, then I wish you the best of luck! It is a fun lifestyle that many people thoroughly enjoy. Just be prepared, do your homework, and don’t believe everything you read in fictional books. 🙂